Advice from January 2004 until July 2006 (basically forever) ...enjoy!

Questions and Answers

I have an obsession with your cute butt, and I can't seem to get you out of my mind. Every time I close my eyes I picture you covered in butter and I fall in love all over again. GOD I miss you come back to me Alan! What can I do to get over some one as scrumptious as you are? I love your mind, your body and your soul.
P.S. Ever since the last time we were together my crotch has itched. How would you suggest I fix this?
- Sexually Confused at ISU

Dear Sexually,

Well, you're the only one that finds me that scrumptious so I'm really not sure what to do. I think you should find a healthy distraction like ping pong or golf or knife juggling. When you start to think about me and it becomes unbearable, you can just work with your new hobby! It'll be fun! About the crotch itching, you should go see a doctor, but whatever he says you had you didn't get from me.

Hmmm. I'm graduating from high school in less than a month and am going to college where I'll be studying english and biology. My problem is that I have a bad case of low self esteem. And I'm almost desperate for a boyfrinend; one who won't treat me like crap and use me. Any advice?
- Amy

Dear Amy,

First of all, don't despair. College is a very different where you can completely be yourself and will meet a lot of fun and interesting people. I'm fairly certain that there will be a lot of guys who will be intersted in you and not in using you. I happen to know a lot of nice single guys who would probably be interested in a smart girl like you. The self esteem thing.....that is the hardest part. Whenever I feel my self esteem slipping, I try to think of all the things that I'm good can be anything and everything, large things and small things. I also think of all the stuff I've done that I'm proud of. By the time I'm done with that exercise, I usually feel pretty good about myself again. Just be yourself and be proud of it....and don't let anyone get you down on yourself about being yourself....anyone who really cares for you won't ask you to change.

I am going through severe depression from how the caliber of your advice has clearly deteriorated. What happened? How should I deal with these feelings? Should I hold on to some hope that you will reestablish your throne of humor someday?
- Perturbed

Dear Perturbed,

I'm really sorry you're depressed about my advice. I was so busy with school and finals and stuff, and now with working at the National Weather Service....but fear not, I have re-established advice column as of today, and I'll try my best to keep it up to date. Thanks for your concern!

Dear Alan,
I was looking for a great way to get the ladies all up ons without putting much effort into it, and was looking for some advice. I already pimped out my car cause I know da ladies are quite superficial and "luv dey men wit a nice car" and although that type of girl makes me want to vomit I to enjoy the female body alot! I also started acting like a really big jerk and got alot of piercings and tattoos all over my body and dies my hair a mixture of blue and goth black cuz I know the ladies enjoy the a**hole boyfriend like your last question from Nikky. I'm sure all these things will work great since women don't know what the hell they want but your input would be super-dee duper.
- Kyle

Dear Kyle,

Picking up any women with your time is going to take effort. And what they want is for you to be yourself....don't pretend to be someone else because your girl will find out eventually and get all angry and then your girl will be your ex-girl. Be yourself and eventually you and the right girl will find each other and it'll be great.

Dear Alan,
The other day I was thinking about pimps and how they are so smooth and cool. Then I got to wondering how does one become a pimp anyways? Is there a interview process they go through? or a union they join like the Local69 POA (Pimps of America)? I also thought how does one aqurie bitches when first becoming a pimp? do they ask some female friends they have or just aquire random crack whores? also How would the pimp/ho work enviroment be for the first few months? would he be polite and just ask for the money at first, or would he want to show his authority and "choke the bitch" to get his point across to show who's boss. These are just a few questions I was pondering on the life of a pimp and would appreciate your insight.
- Huggie Bear

Dear Huggie,

First of all, I gotta admit that I'm not an expert on being a pimp, so think about that as you read my answer. I don't think there is an interview process or a union involved, but I think in order to be successful you've gotta know someone in the pimpin' industry. I know for a fact you can't just go get some women and have them stand at a corner, the other pimps don't allow that crap. In order to acquire women, I would guess it would be easier if you were a drug dealer and then you could just use some of your female addicts to start your could pay them in drugs. If your women are addicts, it completely changes the work environment....he doesn't have to be nice or mean because his women are dependent on his drug fix. I suppose that if one of his women tried to go to a different pimp/drug dealer then that woman would be in trouble. I envision more of a trade system like in baseball. I bet the pimps trade their women around to make the team better and better serve their customers. They might also trade drugs and street corners (territory) around to make the deal...otherwise all the pimps would do would be to fight each other, and thats just silly. I hope that helped.

My cat sleeps all the time. What should I do?
- Duck

Dear Duck,

Tell the damn cat to get a job. I can't believe a cat expects you to support it all it's life. Why, when you were it's age, you worked 12 hours in the textile mill and went to school full time, and had to walk 15 miles to school each day in the snow with no shoes and it was uphill both ways. The damn cat has no idea how good it's got it. So tell it to get a job, and if it doesn't....sell it to a Chinese resturant.

Hey man-
I have kind of a touchy situation and was seeking to drink from the unending fount of your knowledge. See, this kid down the hall makes himself out to be really knowledgable as far as computers go...has all the answers, can fix anything, you know the type. Problem is that my computer is REALLY a LOT better than his, so much so that I almost feel guilty about it. He seems kinda broken up about it, but what am I supposed to do, just throw my god-like computer out the window? Poor kid would probably spend all day sifting through the busted parts trying to figure out why it ran 57 times better than his. I don't know do I keep it civil with this guy. Thanks as always.
- Nizzyl

Dear Nizzyl,

I wouldn't worry about it too much, I bet the kid isn't all that heartbroken about it. Maybe he doesn't have the best computer on the floor now, but he does still have the second best. I bet he has a lot of respect for you and your computer, and there isn't any big reason to feel guilty. In any case, the kid will probably come back next school year with something twice as good as enjoy it while you can.

Why are monkeys interesting?
- Jess

Dear Jess,

Monkeys are interesting because they are like little people. They make noise and climb stuff and run around naked. They live in communities and they play a lot. They like bananas. Monkeys are pretty rad.

What do I do if my friend likes the girl I have for ages?
- Mikey T

Dear Mikey,

This a very good question, and I'm glad you brought it up. The answer all depends on whether or not the girl likes either of you. If she likes you, then there isn't any problem. If she likes your friend, then you should continue to be a friend to both of them, but don't do anything stupid like trying to break them up or something. If she doesn't like either of you (in that way), then you've still got a good friend. If she's not sure about the whole thing, then you should keep being her friend and see what happens. You might be pleasantly suprised, and if not, at least you've got a good friend, and that is very important.

Who killed Kennedy? Was it the mafia, Cubans, Russians, Oswald, someone else? and just for a matter of clarification where were you on November 22, 1963?
- JFK Fan

Dear Fan,

First of all, I wasn't alive November 22, 1963, so I didn't kill JFK that I know of. I may have done it in a past life or something....but I don't remember that. In any case, the Rolling Stones seem to think it was the devil, and I'm not in a position to disagree. answer is the devil. That is who I'd talk to about it next.

OK, I love this boy but he is in a group home down in Nashville, Tennessee. I talk to him on the phone and we write each other and we aready went out twice before, and the first time was for over a year. I am madly in love with him. im 15 years old and he's 16...... do I stay with him?
- Nikky

Dear Nikky,

So you love this guy and he's in a group home which is apparently some distance away from where you live. There are a lot of things you have to ask yourself in this situation. First off, why is he in a group home? Is it for some kind of substance abuse, or maybe because he was convicted of some crime...and if it was, then I recommend you find someone new. Secondly, you're 15 years've got a couple of good high school years left. I'd suspect there are guys locally that would want to date maybe you should see. If you decide to date someone else, you should definitely keep in touch with your friend because you'll never have too many friends. I hope that helps.

If a guy asks you to "kick it", what exactly does this mean? Does he want to play soccer? I'm quite confused. Ambiguous "its" scare me.
- Paranoid Android

Dear Paranoid,

I think if a guy wants to kick it, it's a cool, trendy way of saying that he wants to hang out with you. Hanging out with him might include the playing of soccer, but that'd be between you and him. As for the "ambiguous its", I would get your it's in writing whenever possible to avoid any unfortunate misunderstandings.

I asked this girl out a few days ago and she said yes. then when i tried to finalize the plans a few days late she told me that she already was seeing someone else and just didn't have the heart to tell me. WTF? This other guy is a co-worker of mine to-boot. I feel as if my honor has been wounded. What steps should i take to restore my honor?
- Angry and betrayed

Dear Angry,

I can understand why you are angry because that seems like a rather bad situation all around. If you are worried about your honor, then continue to act honorable. There is no honor in being dishonorable, no matter what the purpose. Living well is truly the best revenge.

My roommate is a total ass. She is the biggest slob I have ever met (ex: leaving a half eaten chicken sandwhich and bowl of soup on the coffee table for nine days...I left it there to see how long she would) What are some fun ways to secrety make her life miserable without her knowing I am the source?
- unhappydally

Dear unhappydally,

First of all, that is a really long name but I like it. Now, about your roommate. This slob is clearly a problem, and a messy living area is a detriment to you and her. However, I wouldn't recommend making her life miserable, as you'll just have to listen to her whine in addition to her being a slob. A better tactic might be to ask your room mate not to be such a slob all the time, and ask her to be more considerate about that kind of stuff. If that doesn't work, then you can retaliate by becoming a slob yourself. Just make sure that you leave sandwiches and soup and whatever in places she will find easily, like her bed. I hope this works out for you.

Dear Alan(Steve),
How is it that if I am extremely compatible with you according to this so called compatiblity quiz, why do we never talk? Also, why are monkeys of such interest to so many intelligent people?
- Kristin

Dear Kristin,

I think we don't talk all that often because you are in school and very busy, and I am very busy as a guru type we just don't have a lot of time to talk. About the monkeys...monkeys are interesting because they are pretty cool and they are pretty smart. Monkeys are interesting because they are like little kids and they do funny stuff. But unlike having kids, you can just leave the monkeys in a cage when you're done being amused by them. I hope this clears up that monkey business.

Quapla Alanation Guru man,
I ask you if on the ninth day of consumer whoredom the jelly hawks swim East towards Rio Grande und left. Swore joy that peanuts are not osmosis! Towards the right if the borders river on Jonas but if so, then who? Answeration beckons me towards spoons, my friend. I must know or quandry shall inherit my brief case full of life long meat pie. En Taro Adun!
- Wonko The Sane

Dear Wonko,

First, Wonko is a kickass cool name. Secondly, whatever drugs your head doctor puts you on, you need to take even if you think you're sane that day because that'll keep you from doing stuff like this. So remember, when the doctor gives you drugs, you better use em.

George W. Bush Vs. a brown paper bag (possibly containing a kiwi) with a face drawn on it. How badly would Bush lose?
- M

Dear "M",

George W. would most likely be outsmarted by a brown bag with a kiwi in it, so I would expect him to lose pretty solidly. He could however claim that the kiwi is in fact a weapon of mass destruction, and send our military to bomb the bag/kiwi combination back in to the stone in a one to one fight, I'd pick bag/kiwi. Otherwise I'd pick George W.

Hey, what is it with you guys? Are you scared of strong (not physically), independent women? There is a guy I'm in love with and I think he doesn't want me, but somebody told be he could be scared of me not to meet my "requirements"...I mean I am cool (according to your compatible-test extremely) and I love the Dude, drink, dance, watch cartoons and like other stuff guys (stereotype) like to do, yeah, that's probably it, I'm more the best buddy than the little girly girlfriend that needs to be protected... Guru, what is your advice? Change of personality or waiting for the guy that can keep up with me?
- Jill

Dear Jill,

I wouldn't change just so you fit some guy's expectation, because I bet there is some guy out there who thinks you're absolutely perfect the way you are. I'm sure you are compatible with many men (and also this guru). However, if you are in love with this guy you should find out if he is interested in you or not because he might be scared that you are too good for him. Even the guru encouters that problem with some women. Have someone find out if his is interested or not. If he is, no problem. If not, don't change yourself so that he is. There are many men (this guru included) who appreaciate a strong and independent woman...and for any relationship to work you have to be friends anyway, so being someone that is a guy's "best buddy" is great. The guru doesn't see any reason why you wouldn't be dateable, so I know you will find the right someone. Good luck.

Well, I have a telepathic power and i can talk to animals with it. But no one believes it. I can't do it in school because they would suspend me and plus it would be too far away what should i do? Please help me!
- Vanessa

Dear Vanessa,

I would continue to talk to the animals as normal. Maybe you can bring an animal to school to talk to, or talk to someone's guide dog and then people will believe you. However, I would just keep your animal talking to yourself. Perhaps you can use it to profit or something, and so it probably isn't a bad thing. You could become an animal guru and do what I do except for animals. Good Luck.

If the answer is 42, then what the hell is the question?
- huh?

Dear huh?

That is something you will have to ask yourself. True knowledge comes not from knowing the answers, but also knowing the questions. Once you know the questions and the answers, you will find true enlightenment.
P.S....The question was probably something like 40+2.

Oh wise one of the North land, I plead for your knowledge to enlighten me. In this past year a dear friend of mine departed on a quest to reach meteorological understanding and since that time he has meet a great many friends in the North. At home and in the South lands, his friends and I are all very happy for his successes but fear that he may leave us behind completely in favor of his new company. What say you oh great one?
- The Not So Deep South

Dear South,

Although your friend may have found many friends in the North, I would not fear that he will desert his friends from other lands after returning from this quest. This quest, although it may be spread over many years, affords him plenty of time to visit with his friends while at home. I would not worry about such things.

Dear Guru Alan,
About four months ago I declared my dorm room to be a soverign and independent nation-state from the rest of the building. Since my declaration a number of events have come up which cause the people of my nation great unrest, however the buildings Hall Government refuses to recognize my authority over the realm of room 1422, now known as Miketopia. I've come to the conclusion that what I need is to get the attention of the hall government and to let them know that I mean business. I've decided that I need to anex a colony in order to stimulate the economy of Miketopia. I feel that by taking on a colony and selling its riches to a pawn shop I can exponentially increase my countries wealth and it gives us room to expand in the future. I've had my eye on this chunk of land down the hall from me, its undefended currently because its citizen was dragged off by the cops and I think there's a new laptop inside. Do you think this is a wise course of action? - Lord Mike of Moline

Dear Mike,

Unless you can raise an army large enough to defend your room and your annexed colony against the recapture attempts that are sure to be mounted I feel that taking over a colony would be a poor course of action. If you break in to a room and "annex" it and steal a bunch of stuff, the cops will drag you away just like they did the occupant of the room you want to take over. Therefore, unless you get an army, this is an unwise course of action.

Picard Vs. Kirk
How badly would Kirk lose?
- YourMom

Well, if we are talking about these two officers at the height of their careers, then I think Kirk would win. His galaxy was like the wild west...and he would probably rough Picard up pretty bad. However, Picard wasn't alive at that time and is much younger, so if they met "now" then Picard would rough Kirk up because Kirk is an old man.

There is this girl who is sittin next to me, who is really annoyin and is a real pain in the ass. How can i get rid of her with out being sentenced to life?
- Shorty

Dear Shorty,

Well, what you do is kill her in a state with the death penalty. Then you won't be sentenced to life, you'll be sentenced to death. Problem solved! But seriously, if she is annoying to you, maybe you should be annoying to her. Then maybe she will not sit next to you and be a pain in the ass. Or, you could just ignore her and then you don't have to worry about it.