Advice...April and Most of May

Advice from April 1 to May 26th.

I've waited a while to ask this question, how can procrastinaion be cured? What are the steps i need to take to lead a more productive life?
- waiting till the last minute

Dear Waiting,
Geez, why did you wait so long to ask? There really isn't any trick here. The only way to defeat procrastination is to not procrastinate. The big thing that you'll probably notice is that your free time is better because you don't have things hanging over your head. Also, by not procrastiating you can do projects in small steps instead of tackling it all at once. You can also plan more cool stuff because you know where you'll be at in terms of your work several days in advance. All in all, it's pretty cool stuff. I guess a step that I'd take is to try to not procrastinate and then start planning how you use your time. Things will go much easier that way I bet.

Your Mom
- YourMom

Dear YourMom,
Well said. Hope you didn't strain your brain to come up with that one.

Dearest Alan--
What do you do when you have a really good friend who seems to have way too much school work on top of a real shitty work schedule and he can't find time to do anything else? How do you console him / make him update his journal more often?
- Glad i don't have his workload

Dear Glad,
Hmm, interesting question. If you want to console this friend or make him update his journal you could try several things. In terms of consoling him, you could do several things. You could try saying nice things like "there there, it'll be ok" and "you're really great". Encouragement could be helpful. The other tactic that you have is distraction, you'd have to distract him to the point that he paid less attention to crappy stuff and more attention to cool stuff. You just have to find something that he is interested in and point him in that direction. If you're not sure where to start, try women. A vast majority of men are very interested in women and easily distracted by them. Get the guy a girlfriend and he'll be not doing homework or working and failing out in no time! Just what the doctor ordered!

I'm in a bit of a conundrom here, i can't seem to remember where i put my pants, all of them, they just disappeared. I don't know what to do, and I have no clue what happened to them. any suggestions?
- Naked from the Waist down

Dear Naked,
I've lost several pairs of pants in my day, but I've never lost all of my pants. Are there other things missing? If there are other things missing, you might have been robbed. If that's the case, put on a barrel and call the police. They can help you get pants. Another possibility is that all of the pairs of pants are in the wash. Did you check there? You could either wash some pants or take the ones that have been in the "to wash" pile longest because they are probably ok to wear. Maybe you left your pants at your girlfriend or boyfriend's house on their floor after a late nite drunken romp? I don't know how you could have left all of your pants there though...hmm
Hope that helps!

To the self proclaimed "god" of the Printer Aisle:
So, there I was, hanging out in computers, and I was like...whoa. Could I sell service on a service plan? Does it define the laws of physics, or simply blow the mind? How can one go about figuring this ancient and much pondered question. I trust in your judgement O'Great one.
- YourMom

Dear YourMom,
I'm honestly suprised that we don't sell a "3 year service plan" on our "3 year service plan". But think about it....that'd be really hard to sell. Here is a situation....
You: This is our "3 year service plan" covers your computer, blah, blah....
Customer: That sounds great.....
You: And this is our "3 year service plan 3 year service plan." That way if your service plan breaks it's covered for three years also covers you if our service sucks.
Customer: *dumbfounded look*
See what I mean? Don't we get enough dumbfounded looks already? How much pain do we have to be put through? It makes even a seasoned Guru like myself want to cry little tears of anguish. Secondly, we'd lose money on a "3 year service plan 3 year service plan" because our service would most certainly suck bad enough in most cases that we'd have to pay out on it. So, I guess it mostly just blows the mind...
Well, I must go rest my Guru brain. Thanks for your question!

What happened when the lights went out in Georgia?
- Gutterpunk09

Dear Gutterpunk09.....
First of all, thats a hell of a handle....there is a lot going on there. Gutter....punk...09. Whats up with the 09? Are there actually 8 others of you? The next time I'm in the gutter I'll try to remember to stay from you, and your 8 punk friends. Secondly....I bet there aren't any lights at all in the country of Georgia. That's an ex-Soviet country...they don't have shit. In the part of the United States named Georgia...I'm pretty sure they don't have lights either. In fact, the only good thing I can think of from Georgia is The Weather Channel, unless there are hot women in Georgia, in which case that'd be cool also. Anyway, if I were and Georgia, and the lights went out I think that'd be a good excuse to riot, steal stuff, start fires for light and heat, and possibly hang innocent men. It'd be a big ol party!

how should one go about telling your mom that you are engaged? should you give her a call, or should you tell her in person? which is better?
- about to be hitched

Dear About,
I think it depends on wether or not the person you are getting engaged to is ugly or not. If she is really pretty, you should tell your mom in person and possibly even introduce your love interest to her. If the girl is very ugly, then you should probably barely mention it. Try something like this:
Mom: How are you today honey?
You: I'm fine.
Mom: What did you do today?
You: I went to school, went to work, took a test at school (start coughing here, then say quickly)got engaged to some girl...(stop coughing)
Mom: That cough sounds better have some medicine.
See how easy that was? You told her and there was no crazy retribution by your mom for getting engaged to an ugly girl! Hope that helps, and may your bedroom romping be fun and uh, fun!

So Alan...Can a girl talk to a guy at a workplace without it being considered flirting? Furthermore, can a guy talk to a girl without him trying to "pick her up"? Where is the line drawn? Oh yeah.., can I drink printer ink for nourishment? Is it possible for me to maybe get a temporary last name for some...oh I don't know..random reason? One last question - would perhaps..stripping in a printer aisle be inappropriate...or should I just hide under a table and trip customers instead?

Damn, thats quite a question. First off, yes, a girl can talk to a guy without it being flirting. It's been my experience that they are usually not flirting. A guy never talks to a girl without at least some thought about picking her up. Even if he says that he's not interested, he's lying because a guy's most basic instincts are to fuck stuff and kill stuff. If he's talking to you, this is good because at least he's not killing you.
What line?
I wouldn't suggest drinking ink...although if you're constipated or sick of living it might have exactly what you need.
Yes, you can get a temporary last name. Here is how that works....get a guy, marry him, keep his last name until you're bored, then divorce him and go back to your original last name. Easy as pie!
I would definitely strip. It's a proven fact that strippers sell more printers. If you trip the customers they will not buy stuff, but if you do a good enough job of tripping them so they fall down and are knocked could steal whatever money they might have and quit your job so you don't have to worry about selling printers.
Hope that helps....and may your chicken always be seductive!

Why haven't you answered my first question, i still don't know how to tell my parents about my engagement, please help Alan you're the only one i trust. - closer to the big day

Dear Closer,
Sorry....if you want free advice, you might have to wait for it. You'll be happy to note that I addressed your questions above. I am also quite glad you put your trust in me....the next time I ask you to rob a bank for me, just remember that you trust me...
Thanks...give Guru Alan 20 dollars!