Advice from Fall of 2003...enjoy!

Dear Guru,
Guys seem to like to make out with me but not want to date me. Why might that be?
- The Make-Out Bandit

Dear Bandit,

In general, guys like to make out but not many of them like to commit themselves to making out with just one girl. A lot of guys like to make out with as many girls as they can. If a guy is trying to make out with a lot of girls, he can't be committed to just one so dating is out of the picture. He will just make out with you and then that'll be the end of it. However, I wouldn't be discouraged by this because you will eventually find a guy who will want to make out with you and will want to date you.

Hi Alan,
I just took the Big Lebowski test. Turns out I am a female dude. After that, I took the Alan compatibility test. Turns out I'm extremely compatible. Do you wanna come hang on my sofa? I'm blonde and I don't speak too much as long as I got weed.
- Crazy Horse

Dear Crazy,

Sure, why not. A guru needs a break from doing all his guru things all the time. However, I will pass on the weed part because as a guru my mind is already expanded to the max, and I don't need to use weed to expand my mind. Plus, I'm sure you have some quite interesting things to say, so it would be probably better if we were able to talk and you weren't totally stoned. But yes, I will come hang out on your couch....and thanks for inviting me, most of my readers don't care enough to invite Guru Alan to come hang out with them.

I have a base-model 1996 Golden Retriever with no add ons, save for a new knee I had bolted in 3 years ago. Here's my problem: Fat Haley is a Frisbee dog, but she can't seem to understand that if she tears a Frisbee in half, it won't fly anymore. I have a layman's understanding of aerodynamic lift v. drag, but I can't seem to make her get it, despite repeated attempts utilizing various instructional methods(flow-charts, equations, analogies, etc.). Increasing this annoyance is the fact that things made of plastic snap in half really easily when it gets cold out. The ONLY other thing she goes for is sticks, but there has to be water involved, which I'm sure you realize doesn't really work in the winter. I've got a hyper dog on my hands, and am in need of guidance....
- Nizzyl

Dear Nizzyl,

I had to think long and hard to come up with a solution to your problem. I first tried to teach my dog the basics of aerodynamics but much like yourself I had little success. All she knows is that if you throw something, the path is roughly parabolic. She didn't understand the lift vs. drag issues and wasn't able to successfully apply anything I taught her to basic physics problems. Therefore, I conclude that you can not teach a dog physics. We could also stop the dog from breaking the frisbee in the cold if you warmed it up before hand by placing it near a heat source so the plastic is not brittle. Be careful if you do this, you do not want to burn yourself or set anything on fire. Otherwise, for a very hyper dog you could go to your vet and get some "doggie downers" which will sedate your puppy throughout the day. Your dog won't even want to move and that will take care of the hyper thing. Hope that helps.

Dear Alan,
I love cheese, yet am lactose intolerant...what should I do?
- Cheese Head

Dear Cheese,

I also love cheese, and I would continue to eat the cheese even if it made me kinda sick and made me "cut the cheese" a lot. If this bothers you there are many products available that will put the necessary enzymes in your body to break down the lactose before it makes you kinda sick. Check out your local pharmacy or grocery store and see if you can find something.

What would the America and the World be like if John Kennedy was not gunned down? Would we be in Camelot? Xanadu or deep Doo Doo?
- ick2112

Dear ick,

I'm not exactly sure what would have happened for sure. But Kennedy was a pretty good guy and a pretty good president, and so I think we would have ended up in Camelot. Of course, eventually his terms would have ended and someone else would have become president. My hypothesis would be that it would be Richard Nixon until he had a scandal because no matter what he said, he was a crook. Then there could have been anyone for a while, and then we would have probably got to Ronald Reagan. Don't get me wrong, I love Ronald Reagan, but in this alternative time line, he would have woken up pissed off and hit the button, and taken care of that pesky Soviet Union and China right there in the course of a few hours. Then after years of nuclear wasteland American, I would be born with 2 additional arms due to the radiation, overpowered my mere human overlords, and installed myself as dictator of America. Then we'd be in deep doo-doo as you so nicely put it. So I guess it's ok that Kennedy got shot so we didn't end up in some bizzaro world....and remember, All Hail Dictator Alan!

I am rather disappointed. My procrastination becomes worse every day and you haven't helped me at all. I was considering legal action, but I can't be bothered. Please help me find the inspiration to do something!
- Kinders

Dear Kinders,

Here is your motivation. Every time you successfully complete some task, you move towards getting laid by the person you'd most want to "get down" with. This is because they now see you as a motivated person who can get stuff done and not a slack jawed loser with no motivation. The more you show them that you are now motivated, the better your chances are. Try it out and hopefully that'll work for you!

when are we going to get some bitches on this floor?
- Your worst nightmare

Dear Worst,
You and I live on an all guys floor, so unless we use our mad pimp skills to get women down to our floor, I fear we will never get any "bitches" on our floor. I seem to recall though that your wife was rather interested in hanging out on our floor for a while. Maybe you should invite her to come hang out.

What should I get my mom for Chirstmas? I never have any clue what to get her. Any suggestions for my dad too?
- Hate to Shop

Dear Hate,
I would recommend asking your parents what they want. Or perhaps you can take care of both of them in one shot by getting them a gift certificate to a nice resturant or something and they can go get a wonderful dinner together. Perhaps you should get them nothing and explain to them that they are already blessed because they've got you, and they shouldn't be so damn greedy, with the wanting of gifts and stuff. Hope that helps.

I am an obsessive procrastinator. I just can't finish anything I start. It's got to the point
- Kinders

Dear Kinders,
I couldn't have said it better myself.

Dear Alan,
If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
- Jesus Quentana

Dear J,
Dry ice is frozen carbon dioxide. The surface temperature is -78.5 degrees C (-109.3 degrees F). When dry ice melts, it uses a process called sublimation to go directly from a solid (dry ice) to a gas (carbon dioxide). So if you melt carbon dioxide, it turns direcly to a gas. Therefore, if you melt dry ice, you will not be able to swim through it in a conventional sense. However, you could run through the carbon dioxide gas and say you were swimming, and you wouldn't get wet although you could possibly drown in it if you were breathing in too much carbon dioxide and not enough oxygen. So be careful if you try it.

Dear Alan,
Every day I come home and stare at my rug in my living room for hours and try to move it using telekinesis. I've been doing this for years and my rug hasn't moved an inch after all that time, but the rest of my house is gone. Do you have any suggestion for how I can focus my power?
- Mentally Fried

Dear Fried,
My first suggestion on focusing your powers would to be to turn the caps lock on your keyboard off because when I get messages typed in all caps like I get from you all the time it throws my powers off for a while and makes it harder for me to help you. But anyway, it seems you have a telekinetic problem on your hands. I would first try to see if you can find out where your house went because it's pretty dumb to have a rug with no house to put it in. I mean, if it rains or something it'll ruin your fancy rug, and that is not cool. If you made your house disappear with your mind, then you do need to work on focus. However, if someone stole your house while you were staring at your rug, this is the time to exact sweet revenge and take your house back. If your lack of mental control moved your house, then after you get your house back you need to actually lay flat on your back on the rug and make as much of your body as you can touch the rug. Your body is a powerful telekinetic antenna and the extra contact with the rug will allow you to move it much easier. Even though you are technically touching it, this should help you be able to move things with your mind. Alternatively, you could just pick up and move your rug to where ever you desire. Good luck.

What does "this is what happens when you meet a stranger in the alps" mean? Is it supposed to be a joke, mocking the real line?
- Stupid person who used my feedback form to send me an advice question so I don't have their name

I think the whole point is that the "stranger in the alps" line is used because in the TV version of Lebowski they can't have Walter constantly scream about f***ing someone in the ass because it would never make it past the network censors. So, that is as close as they can get without taking the whole key scene out or making it sound any dumber than it already does. If it is a joke, I thin it's a stupid and poorly constructed one, so I bet it's just to allow that part of the movie to make it through the network censors.

Wylie Coyote was always trying to kill the Roadrunner, and we as viewers naturally assume this was a hunger motivated conflict. My question is this: If he has money to blow on every maniacal contraption ever made by the ACME corporation, why wouldn't he just buy food? Might there be something more to this whole thing? Is it personal, or just crafty deficit spending? Help me out here.
- Nizzyl

Well Nizzyl, this is a very good question. However, if you watch you'll notice that Wylie Coyote orders all of his various contraptions by a catalog. There aren't that many places that sell food in a catalog, and there aren't any grocery stores in the desert, so that makes it really hard for him to get food even if he has a lot of cash lying around. He could move in to the city or try to go to a grocery store but I'm sure in the city someone would shoot him because he is a coyote...and people don't like coyotes running around in their towns. Therefore, I believe that the only way he can try to feed himself is through catching the road runner. However, the whole thing could just be a social metaphor...the coyote chasing something that he could never have, but he keeps trying and whatnot....but if I were to guess, I'd say that he just can't find anyone to deliver food to the desert.

Dear Alan,
Now I know you're a Big Lebowski fan like I am, so I was do you think the Dude came up with enough money to retire early? Also, do you think the Dude grows his own weed or do you think he buys it?
- The Dude Look-Alike

These are two excellent questions. First of all, I don't know that the Dude is really retired. I always got the impression that he just didn't work. Obviously he has enough money to bowl, put gas in a car, buy booze and pot, and pay the rent. I'm not entirely sure where he gets the money. I know he did hold down a few jobs ("Roadie for Metallica") so maybe he draws unemployment. Perhaps he collects disability for some reason although according to the physical het gets he is in good health. However, the Dude is actually based on an independent film promoter named Jeff Dowd who also was a member of the Seattle Seven. So if the Dude is based on this guy, then he got whatever money he had from promoting independent film or perhaps just independent art in general (Remember the scene with his landlord doing the dance and Dude is there to give him notes?). I'm think that the Dude buys his pot because there is not really any evidence to support the idea that he grows his's probably a little too much work for the Dude anyway ("Laziest man in all of Los Angeles County").

Hello, i am very bored, maybe you could give me some advice on what i could be doing instead of working on digital photography?
- Drew

There are so many things you can do to not get anything productive done. Since you're on the internet, I would defnitely go to some websites, take some quizzes, and play some games. Then, go watch tv until you get bored, then either come back to the internet or go read a book or play with your playstation or dreamcast or whatever you've got. Then get in your car and go to the mall and buy stuff and try to pick up women. If you didn't get any women, go to a bar and get some there. Then invite her back to your place and get crazy and hopefully you won't be bored at that point!

So how's life in the new environment? Still as funny as you were?
- YourMom

Life is good here for the most part and I'm as funny as a guru can be.

My geography teacher sucks major cock and i really like the subject but i dont want to fail it. Advice?
- Satan

If you're the lord of darkness, you can just fix your problem yourself. However, if Satan is just a clever nickname or something, then you definitely need my help. My suggestion is to keep studying, and if this is a college professor then you might also try going to see the prof. at office hours because usually teachers are way cooler one-on-one. Study hard and if you like the subject you'll do fine.

Why do girls repeatedly insist on attending the restroom in two or more? Love,
- Confused Muliebral

Dear Confused,
I'm not exactly sure why women use the restroom in groups. I think it's because they use the time in relative privacy to gossip or perhaps consult each other on makeup. It could also be that they enjoy conducting their business in there more when there is someone to talk to. In fact, maybe it makes the whole process easier if they have someone to talk to. Anyway, if you venture in to a women's restroom, expect gossip, makeup tips and words of encouragement....unless you are a guy, in which case you should expect screaming and a lot of people calling you a pervert.

My name is Danny, and I have a slight problem. I am a little overweight, not by much though, and I am always getting lint in my belly button. I try to clean my belly button with my finger, or a pipe-cleaner, but it hurts me, because for some reason I can feel it in other places... - Danny

Dear Danny,
What I do to remedy the belly button lint thing is this. I take a shower every morning, and every morning I make sure to clean my belly button. Suprisingly enough it seems to keep it under control. I wouldn't use a pipe cleaner, as your belly button is not a pipe...but using your finger and the washcloth in the shower should be ok. Good luck on your battles.

I'm dating this guy and we haven't been dating very long, like 3 months. I like him, don't get me wrong, but I just don't feel as if there is "something" there. I think we have just kinda fallen into a "friendship" setting. The problem isn't that I don't want another friend, I mean the more friends the better, but I do want a boyfriend. He says that we are still together, and that he loves me but we don't do anything sexually at all. HE DOESN'T even hold my hand!! So to me it doesn't seem like I have a boyfriend, and with that said it seems to me that I should be able to date around. He on the other hand changes the subject when I try to mention the fact that we have become just friends. WHAT DO I DO?? I don't understand the mentality of guys, I don't get what could be going through his head. I know he has to want sex or at least a good make-out session, I mean he is a guy! How do I make him understand that even though we were at one time a couple we grew apart and no longer mesh??
- ready to move on!

Dear Ready,
First of all, you must understand the average guy is stupid. I'm a fairly average guy and I'm a complete idiot when it comes to relationships. That being said, here is my advice. Relationships are entirely about you gotta make sure that he knows you want your hand held because I'm sure there are people out there who do not want their hands held. About the whole sex've been in this relationship for three months. Perhaps he doesn't feel that the relationship has been going on long enough to deal with sex, and I'd agree. If you want a meaningful relationship, having sex too early in the relationship will change it and usually for the worse but a good ol make out session couldn't hurt it. The one thing you can't do is still be in a relationship with him and be dating other've gotta pick one or the other there. It's all about communication though, so make sure you communicate to him what you need from a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and he may be willing to do what you ask. If not, then communicate to him that you want to start seeing other people. Hope that helps.

Am I infinitely far away from something if I measure the distance using infinitely small units?
- mojo arrojo

Dear Mojo,
I think that is a great question, and the answer is yes. If the units are infinitely small, it will take an an infinite amount of them to get there....placing you an infinity distance away. But....if you measure said distance in like,'ll probably find you're 1.38 meters away. Hope that helps.

An alternative opinion was presented by my friend Ben:

"Nothing can complete an inifinite amount of things in a finite amout of time. So in realizing that, we say if across the room is 10 feet away. Then there is an infinite amout of half steps between you and the door I.E. if you were to travle 5 feet then 2.5 feet then 1.25........ and so on there would be an infinite amount of half steps between you and the door. So by this standard of PROVEN facts you could not cross and infinite amout of half steps in a finite amout of time. There for walking to the door would become impossible. Now obviously we know this not to be true. So in saying that no distance could ever be infinite no matter how small the unit used to measure or how big the distance there will always be some amout of space between the two objects that could theoretically could be measured and there for would not be infinite."