Some Older Advice

All of the original advice is here!

Hey Alan, how do you recommend dealing with my germ phobia as a result of my accidentally picking up a half eaten dorrito with my bear hands?
- Sleepless in Mol..ehh...pretty much all the damn time and everywhere.

Dear Sleepless in what appears to be almost everywhere,
From what I recall, you picked up a half eaten barbecue flavored potato chip, it looked kinda like a Lays brand to me. I also picked it up and I found that washing my hands afterward was a totally effective way to deal with those naughty germs. Also, you said you picked it up with your bear hands. Bear hands are called paws, and I'd think that if you had bear hands you'd know that. In any case, you might want to consult your doctor on that. Assuming you are human, it's not normal to have bear hands. However, if you're a bear....then I guess that'd be normal, and I think you'd be the first bear that I've had visit my site.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

Dear Galvin,
Twelve. Next question!

Hey Alan- How can I get an 'A' in my philosophy course while consistently not attending at least one class a week? And don't tell me to go to class, i've tried that, briefly, it's no good for me. Please Help!
-Hating the un-ending (and frankly unnecessary) use of overhead projection sheets

Dear Molly,
I generally get A's except when I fail. My suggestion would be to attend class. However, since that doesn't seem to be an option...perhaps you can make a deal with someone else in the class. You show up one day and take notes and the other person doesn't, and then the next time you skip and they come to take notes. Then exchange notes. You get all the notes, you get to miss half of the classes, and you have an instant "study buddy." Also make sure to read all the stupid reading assignments. Another suggestion...don't take philosophy. Really though, I think you'll have to attend the class or continue to skip and perhaps not get an A. I'd go....get an A here so you can screw up a harder class later.

Dear Alan, I was just curious if you could tell me how to remove those unsightly stains from my underwear??? The others are starting to bug me about it. But i mean wear else am i going to keep my magic markers???

Dear Justice,
My advice would be to use bleach. It's good stuff and should get markers out of your underwear if you're lucky. If that doesn't work, the stains might be in the clutches of Satan! If that is the case, you need a young priest and an old priest...they should be able to help you.

Hey Alan, how do we get a girl that we are talking to to tell us her last name?
- The Boys in Blue

Dear Boys in Blue,
It might not be possible to get her to tell you...but here are some ways you might get her to tell you, or at least find out:
Well, you can convice her through bribery perhaps. Maybe if you seem nice and not like a stalker she will tell you. If you get her drunk she might tell you. If you threaten her life she might tell you. Perhaps you can make a deal with the devil. Steal her identification or credit cards and look. Ask friends/neighbors/random strangers if they know. Consult Lady Cleo. Use the phone book. Write down her license plates and have a cop check 'em out. Call her by names you know aren't right until she gets angry and tells you. Use musical torture: subject her to hours upon hours of music that she hates (like LFO). Use conventional torture. Pretend you aren't intersted in knowing because she might tell you then. Ask someone who does know (that went to school with her perhaps?). Get married to her, then she gets your last name. Get divorced, if she goes back to her maiden name you'll see it on the divorce papers. Send your "hired goons" to rough her up until she tells them. Hire a private investigator. Ask a guru. Ask a Magic 8 Ball. Uh...I think thats all I've got.