Advice from Summer of 2003...enjoy!

Alan, I want my friend to come to school were all his buddies are. There is nothing stopping him. The school offers his major. I think he is just lazy. I was debating getting a "rapist van" and kidnapping him; however, I don't have the money for the van. Any advice?
- Not So Much F***ed Up

Dear NSMFU (again),
Maybe all of your friends buddies should go to school where your friend goes, instead of being all the way across the state. I bet your friend doesn't want to be involved in a first year program at a school with no reputation in his field. As for the rapist van kidnapping, kidnapping is a felony...but as long as he's ok with it you might try it. See if your room mate has a van that you could borrow or something to accomplish this.

Alan, how do you get tail in 2 weeks or less at College?
- Not So Much F***ed Up

I'm not entirely sure because I've only been at college less than a week, so I do not have two weeks experience. But, I think it goes something like this:

  1. Meet a girl, preferably a slutty one.
  2. Get this girl drunk.
  3. Make sure she says yes.
  4. Mission accomplished!
Well anyway, this is what a lot of guys do...I don't really think it's a good plan but you could always try it and if you do, let me know how it works out.

Hey, I have a track record of getting in on the wrong side of a relationship. Before I was the boyfriend being cheated on. Now, I am now the one cheating with the girlfriend (different girl). What should I do?
- I F***ed Up

Dear I.F.U.,
Well, if you're cheating with someone elses should probably stop. There are not a lot of good solutions here, but that one is probably the best.

What's your best masturbation technique?
- Marc

Dear Marc,
I use many techniques but I think my favorite is the under-leg lefty because it feels like someone else is doing it. But in terms of best...the end result is pretty much the same so I can't say that there is one technique that is best. Just keep jerking off and the best one will come to you.

Why don't people like me? Is it my pale skin that gives off a radioactive light?
-Bad Ass Cherry Blossum

Dear Bad,
There may be many reasons why people don't like you. I don't think it is your pale, radioactive skin. As a guru, I spend much time inside meditating. My skin is pale, but people seem to like me. I do not know if my skin is radioactive, but humans cannot detect radiation without the use of machines, so unless your friends carry radiation detectors I doubt that is the cause. Then, we must explore deeper. Do you have good hygine? Most people appreciate it when other people bathe on a regular basis. If you hygine is good, then it might be a problem with your personality. You could try to make sure to be extra nice to people, try to be more patient with them, or whatever you think may help. I wish you great success!

How would you tell the worst manager in the world off? here is some background information, shes a troll, shes rude to employees and customers alike. I have no plausable idea about how she became a manager but i bet her lips were around the store managers !%@*$, what i mean to say is she was giving him a blowjob...and by the way her name is Helen and she works at Hy Vee
-Ready to quit

Dear Ready,
I would build a stake pit somewhere in the store. Dig a big hole, put some stakes in it....when she falls in, death! If someone else falls in...well, thats kinda funny too. Actually, that may not be such a good idea. If you just want to tell her off, it's probably best to just say something simple like "see ya later goatraper!" or something. Or for a more "formal" approach, you could tell her that you have absolutely no respect for her because she reminds you of your favorite barnyard animal or something. Use your imagination, and try not to get arrested unless its absolutely necessary.

Dear Alan,
Could Jesus Christ microwave a burrito so hot that even he couldn't eat it?
-Cardinal Glick

Dear Cardinal,
Yes, Jesus Christ could microwave a burrito so hot that even he couldn't eat it....see, Jesus is a human and I know from experience that humans can microwave a lot of things that are too damn hot to eat. He may be the son of God, but I know God would teach him a lesson about microwaves by making Jesus' burrito very very hot. He would teach his son patience and also that burning your mouth or hands with a burrito isn't fun.

Alan i can't seem to find my pants! what shall i do?

Dear Craigey,
You should check out the archives because I know I answered this question. But...if you pants are missing you should see if you left them somewhere, or if you were robbed, or if they are all in the wash. Actually, walk up to the hottest chick you know and ask to borrow their pants, or insist that out of fairness if you have no pants, then they should also have no pants. From there, insist they tie you to the bed and make mad, passionate love to you. I don't get how so many people that come here lose their pants.......good luck on finding some...or getting women to surrender theirs.

I think that Chech and Webb combined would make the best GM/Ops combo ever and moline would be top 200 at least. Also, the big bald man the devil, and i hope he gets fired in a humiliating and public manner.
Agree? Disagree?
YourMom Abides...

Dear "Your Mom",
I agree. I like Webb and I like Chech and I think they could rock the ol' Best Buy. But, I don't really care because I will no longer be providing my guru-like services at that place after August 2nd. On the topic of the bald devil....I have a strong sense that he will be picked up by Vikings, loaded in to a catapult and flung violently into a solid brick wall. Hmmm....nobody deserves it more than he does.

Alan..if you were a hot dog..would you eat yourself?
-Random Common Name

Dear Random,
As much as I like hot dogs I don't think I'd eat myself. First of all, hot dogs do not have mouths and are unable to consume anything, including other hot dogs. Secondly, even I were a hot dog that magically had a mouth I wouldn't eat myself because I'd probably rather be a live hot dog than a dead and eaten one. Thirdly, I think it would be difficult to eat yourself. I haven't really tried but I know it's not possible to stick your cranium or your entire leg in your mouth. This would make eating youself very hard. If I were a hot dog that was hungry and had a mouth, I'd try to find something easier to eat.

Dear Alan,
Why does the spiderman children's ride at the front of the wal-mart store have spiderman riding in a car? If you remember correctly peter parker never had a car and he's obviously spider man and can climb walls and shoot across building tops so why would he need a car anyways? it's just poor money budgeting. I was just wondering if you could shed some light on the topic and give some advice on how to deal with the horrible and disrespectful portrayal of spiderman.
-Confused Spidey Fan

Dear Confused Spidey Fan,
I for one did not know that there was such a horrible and disrespectful ride outside of Wal-Mart because I make it a point to try to avoid that place. But, given the atrocity that already takes place inside that lame excuse for a store, I wouldn't be suprised to have such a horrible childrens ride outside. However, I have a feeling that this fun kids ride is nothing more than an attempt by the automotive industry to try to cash in on car sales to small children. You see, these poor kids want to be like Spiderman. If they see Spiderman in a car, they damn well want a car that is the same. So these little brats bitch to their parents until their parents finally buy them a car. Undoubtedly, some kids probably only get a "toy" car instead of a real car, but they still got a car. The company that owns the ride stands to make a good share of money also. I think that the company who owns the little kids ride probably has a warehouse full of characters in it. When a certain character becomes popular, the company will come out and remove the character that was there and bolt in the character that is popular now. They use the popularity of these characters to make more money, because little kids see Spiderman in the car, and they want to ride with Spiderman. More rides is more money for the company. The whole purpose of having Spiderman there is to make money. So, I'm afraid that for the moment, you will have to continue to see such disrespect every time you enter Wal-Mart. However, you may try to distance yourself by entering through a different set of doors so you can avoid the horror. Better yet, don't go to Wal-Mart.

Girls are insane. Why must they make no sense?
-Your Mom

Dear "Your Mom",
This is going to be an interesing look at girls, and I'm going to try to explain the best I can without talking in circles. I don't really think girls are insane. Rather, I think that from the point of view of a man, they appear to be insane. I think however, from the point of view of a woman, they appear quite sane. So, I am going to guess that you are a man. Knowing that I can only guess that you are in the romatic pursit of some woman and you are confused and frightened like a deer in the headlights. There are several things women try to find in a potential mate. They are looking for someone who could provide for their offspring. Women want men who are smart and persistant, or potentially psychic. Think of their confusing-ness as a test. If you are smart and persistant, or psychic, you will be able to eventually figure them out or just read their minds to figure them out and you will be rewarded with as much hot, sweet love as you desire. So my advice would be to just stick with it and work on your psychic powers. Then hopefully women will make sense. Good luck!

Alan, if you had worked at a hellish place for almost 3 years, and come this Thursday, June 5, you were free, what would you do to celebrate your "Last minute, of the last day, of work?"
-Freedom Comes in 7 days!

Dear Freedom,
Well, first I offer you congrats of getting out of that hellish place. If I were you though I wouldn't do anything crazy...I'd just work my shift and then leave. Seems pretty easy to me. Either that or light a block of thermite on the hood of your managers car....hmmm....

What should i do? A month or two ago, my boyfriend went to pick up a chip and realized that he had developed bear hands. I am worried. Is this the beginning of a transformation? Will he eventually become a complete and total bear that wanders through the woods all hairy and eating fish? And will this have any effect on his ability to distinguish between homophones? Can a love between a woman and a bear really last?
-Can't bear to see him this way

Dear Can't....
Well, it took me almost a month to respond. Has he developed any especially bizzare or bear-like tendencies in the mean time? If he seems ok to this point he will probably be ok but beware because he may maul you when you least suspect. If he turns to a bear I would expect that it would be a total and complete transformation. If he does transform, it will not have any effect on his ability to distinguish between homophones because he can't anyway. Bears cannot distinguish between homophones. To sum it up, love between a woman and a bear can last, but it's not legal.

Is it true that no two snow flakes are the identical? If so, how is that possible?
-Frozen Summer

Dear Frozen,
This is true. No two snow flakes are identical. It has to do with the matter that the water originally condenses on in the cloud and more importantly, how the flake freezes. Each flake freezes in a little bit different way which causes different snowflakes. So there you have it.

If you were "trapped" inside Best Buy for one night and all alone, what would you do? Would you take anything? What would your night consist of? If given the chance, then would you vandalize anything? After you answer this, what would you do if, instead of getting caught by the police because of security cameras inside the store, you were chased after by dragons named Trogdor that wanted to burninate you?
- Your Name

Dear "Your Name",
If I were trapped in Best Buy for a night I would cry a lot. It'd be horrible. But then I'd get over it and try to play with stuff....however that would set off the security system and the cops would come and arrest me. I don't think I'd take anything unless I had it really well planned and could get someone to help me take something big like the TV on the wall in Home Theater. I might try to vandalize something but probably not....the only thing worth vandalizing would be the Epson printers. If I were chased by Trogdor in this hypothetical situation, I would use the burnination powers of Trogdor to help me set fire to a certain manager's red truck. If he were out to burninate me I would probably try to escape...that only makes sense.